Everyone has their own set of boundaries, personal to them, important but hardly ever written down, and placed there for the protection of their own self-respect and self-esteem. It’s where they draw their line in the sand – between good and bad, and between right and wrong.
“No” is a complete sentence.”
– Annie Lamott, U.S. novelist
These are our invisible limits, they define our self-worth, and they protect us both emotionally and physically. In an ideal world, we respect the boundaries of other people as we would want our boundaries to be respected. However, sadly, we don’t live in an ideal world, and often we have to stand up to those who wish to transgress our boundaries, and those who wish to literally push us beyond our boundaries, too.
As Annie Lamoot quite rightly says above, “No” really is a complete sentence.
Sometimes, we have to stand firm, remember our boundaries, and say “No” to ourselves. Oftentimes, we have to repeat it and repeat it, too. If you’re in recovery from substance addiction, as I am, you’ll know that feeling only too well.
Note: Just to clarify my own recovery – I was formerly a cocaine addict and alcoholic, but, thanks to one of many excellent drug rehab centers in PA (dear, old Pennsylvania), who detoxed, rehabilitated, and educated me, I‘m now over 8 years clean and sober.
Let’s return to those boundaries…
Because boundaries are there for the protection of what is vital to us – our self-respect, our self-esteem and our self-worth – they are particularly crucial to the recovering drug addict or alcoholic. Without them, the possibility of a relapse back into addiction is a considerable step closer.
During the months and years of active addiction, your boundaries tend to get blurred, confused, twisted, even, and sometimes you lose track of them altogether, so fundamentally diminished are our respect, esteem and worth for ourselves.
If there’s one thing we need to do as people in fentanyl addiction recovery, apart from the blatantly obvious abstinence of our substances of “choice,” it is this – to re-establish those crucial personal boundaries, and then set them in stone. They will become the vital, strong foundations of your successful, long-term recovery from substance addiction.
Boundaries & Active Addicts
Problems with boundaries usually stem from an addict’s childhood – their formative years. This can be because their parents or guardians had no personal boundaries themselves, or because they failed to show how healthy emotional relationships should work. Children of adults have difficulty expressing emotion, asking for help, or forming new healthy relationships.
On the flipside, children who are raised by stern and strict adults who set way too many boundaries are telling the child that he or she is incapable of making those choices themselves.
These children normally become overly dependent on others, and frequently find themselves in codependent relationships. Examples of unhealthy boundaries can include impulsive behavior, ignoring their own feelings just to make someone else happy, and putting themselves down.
Healthy Emotional & Personal Boundaries for Addiction Recovery
Re-establishing boundaries (or even creating brand-new ones for your new life in recovery) takes time. It’s a process, where one of the most important things involves listening to your own needs. As an active addict, that meant substances, and little else.
However, as a recovering addict, your needs have changed, and you should reflect this in your boundaries. It’s important to identify your own personal values, and to indicate these to others, even if that results in you having to be assertive.
Here are a few excellent emotional and personal boundaries you need to think about, and then put into action in your addiction recovery – your self-respect, self-esteem and self-worth will thank you for doing so:
- #1. Saying No: Sacrificing your own needs in recovery is a risky behavior. It’s more than okay to say “No.” It’s your right. It doesn’t have to be a harsh rebuke – just learn to say it in an assertive way.
- #2. Expecting Respect: Like anyone else, you deserve kindness and impartial communication. If someone is speaking to you in anger or with disrespect, you are well within your right to simply walk away.
- #3. Accepting Help: If you’re in addiction recovery, at some point, you asked for help, and you accepted it. You know as well as any that there’s no shame in this, no guilt at being unable to do this on your own. You have the right to ask for and accept any assistance you need to keep abstinent and sober.
- #4. Asking for Space: Often in recovery, emotions can run high, and when they do, it’s vital we give ourselves a time-out. There’s nothing for it but to sit quietly and alone to collect our thoughts. Asking for space to do this is your right. “Alone time” is perfectly healthy, if you need it.
- #5. Communicating Discomfort: As recovering addicts, there are certain times, usually socially, when we may feel uncomfortable with what’s going on around us, eg. other people using or getting drunk. It’s perfectly fine to communicate this discomfort to others, and even to leave if you need to. Your recovery should always be your main priority.
- #6. The Ability to Change Your Mind: As active addicts, we made bad choices. We know it, and we understand why. However, that does not mean that what we said or decided either high or drunk should be eternally set in stone. We have the right to change our mind with honest and sober reflection.
Healthy emotional and personal boundaries allow recovering addicts to regain control. Without them, your recovery will be weaker, and may not last. Put this advice into action now. You will not regret doing so. Wishing you well.